Broken Dreams and Beautiful Harmonies, Part 1
...Discussing the downfall of my marriage
I’m not sure I ever dreamed you could love so deeply…and I never knew that deep love could be fragile and easily destroyed if not treated gently.
No one told me that.
Brandon was not my first boyfriend but he was my first deep, true love.
We met in jr. high/high school when he was twelve and I was sixteen, which is always funny to say. Of course, there was nothing there; he was a friend of my brother and I barely gave him a second glance. It wasn’t until he was 21 and I was 25 when we ran into each other again did I notice him. He had grown up for sure- he was extremely handsome and well groomed and my gosh, did he make me laugh. We lived in separate towns but that didn’t stop us from becoming inseparable, talking on the phone all the time and visiting each other when we could.
Our friendship grew quickly. What we lacked in similarities of culture and upbringing, we made up for with passion, common interest and goals. We dated for two and half years when he asked me to marry him with my Nannie’s ring on March 24, 2004. He proposed in front of the Cliff House restaurant on Ocean Beach in the city, the same place in 1927 where my Gramps asked my Nannie to marry him.
My Nannie and Gramps, or Lloyd and Lavina, were such special people to me. They were entrepreneurs, and as the story goes, my Gramps started Wollmer’s Music in Burlingame, a suburb of San Francisco, but struggled to keep it afloat until he married my Nannie who ended up running the whole gig. She grew that business to some big numbers, even through the depression years and World War II. Gramps was loyal, dependable, funny, handsome and kind. A great salesman who made every customer feel special. Everyone loved him. My Nannie was determined, focused, a worker… she kept things running.
I always felt I found my Lloyd in Brandon.
Part of the reason I resisted telling my entrepreneurial and life journey is because of how painful the journey has been the last few years. So many questions: Where is your husband? Did you divorce? Do your kids see their dad? I just couldn’t answer them. It’s so very painful. It’s hard for me to really discuss all this. So much pain. So much heartbreak. And a lot of shame.
Shame because if I’m honest with myself, my selfishness caused our demise.
Things have been ugly. It would be easy to point fingers. There has been violence, toxicity and abuse. But friends, don’t let all that fool you: I take ownership. Yes, yes, each of us are responsible, and yes, there are mental health issues and poor choices, but also yes… I could have done better. This story is about me, not him.
With so much shame surrounding all of this, and the finger pointing at me, I had to decide my “Why” for sharing all of this.
Why would I bother to tell you the deeply personal things surrounding this topic? Why would I allow you to see the dirt? Why? But the more I thought about it, the more I knew why….
If I’m going to write about how I’m changing, but avoid a discussion about the biggest catalyst that pushed me, and continues to push me, towards change then my words would never truly be authentic.
If my marriage hadn’t fallen apart, would I even be the transformed person I’ve become? Could I honestly encourage you to break lifelong behaviors if I never told you about how such behaviors destroyed my life? Would it be fair to explain how deep, painful suffering can uncover beautiful shinning glory if I never told you about my own suffering?
And finally, when I tell you God can redeem even the worst of your broken life, would it really even mean anything if you didn’t know how He’s begun to redeem mine?
My story really has no depth without including the painful events, many that I caused, that surrounded my marriage.
Yes, I am aware my kids will read this story. And my close friends and family. That thought alone made me feel like I should just bundle it all up nicely and store it in a big box in the back of the closet. But I learned something in therapy…you can’t hide things. I mean, you can try, but it will catch up with you somehow. The more honest you are, the faster you heal. So the facts are: whether I want to be open about it or not, all of this happened. I just can’t walk around pretending it didn’t happen. It did. It was terrible. But it did happen. No amount of wishing it didn’t will make it go away, unfortunately.
But most importantly, I don’t want my kids, or my friends, or you to make the same mistake.
What has happened over the last few years could possibly be one of the worst things that could ever happen to anyone. It’s unhealthy for everyone involved. If I can encourage you to change and push your marriage towards health, I will. If I can tell you turn around and go the other way, I will do it. If I have to stand with the biggest flag I can find, jumping and shouting: “Turn around!!! Go the other way!!! Get help!!”, I will.
Because the truth of the matter is we can all do better. All of us. But we can only change ourselves. So do that. Change you.
But first we must tell the truth.
In order for you to change, truth needs to be front and center, regardless of how poorly you behaved. In order for this to work, everyone needs to be telling the truth. Everyone. So that’s what I will do. I will tell the truth as humbly and honestly as I can. I will do all this in a way that protects those who I love, but I will not hide anymore. I will not sweep anything under the rug. Things happen and the only way to get better is acknowledge it, grow and change.
Before we go any further I need to set some ground rules:
This is NOT a time to blame, shame or criticize people.
I believe with all my heart that there is hope, grace, forgiveness, redemption for everyone. Not just for some people. But ALL PEOPLE if they choose it.
Please know that whatever I say is prefaced by that.
No matter how dark, how far gone my family is, I still believe that it can be put back together again, if we all choose it. That’s the key…choice. We all have it. Free will, free choice. Regardless…if you put your heart and your mind in He can redeem even the most broken of broken.
Everything I say must be read with that premise.
There is always hope….
Finally, I guess I am begging God for a miracle.
Some sort of beautiful testimony, at least for my kids, to finish up these last very miserable, upsetting and traumatizing years. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know that God is able to heal, restore, and repair relationships. It might not look how I think, but I do know however it happens will be best for all of us. And whatever happens, I want to make sure everyone sees it and knows it wasn’t me who did it, but Someone a whole lot bigger than me.
Glory can be revealed if you let it - that’s the point of my story.
This is a long story, and very emotional… because of this, it will be told over the course of many days and broken up into bite size pieces that are a little easier to process. However, it’s important if you start you read all the way to the end and not get stuck in the middle as redemption and hope must be the most important theme of this story.
Now let’s dive in….