Broken Dreams and Beautiful Harmonies, Part 3
A discussion on the downfall of my marriage
This is a continuation of Broken Dreams and Beautiful Harmonies, Part 2.
“Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.”
Philippians 4:8-9 MSG
Do you see this little boy? Do me a favor, look really closely at him. Look straight in his eyes.
That is my beautiful baby boy.
My firstborn. He, and then Evy, were the best things I’ve ever made. They truly are the apples of my eye. But this boy… ok. Let me tell you something about this kid. He has the ability to drive me crazy. He would literally forget his head if it wasn’t attached. He’s scattered. And messy. But he’s so, so fun and smart. I mean the kid is brilliant. Yet…I still feel like at times he just messes up constantly. Forgets to turn things in. Says the wrong thing. He has accidents and wrecks cars and clothes and equipment that are expensive.
He’s a boy. And boys come with a lot of “extras”. But I’m ok with that. They sure are fun, aren’t they? Often you wonder, WHAT were you thinking when you did that?!?! It’s the curse of boy parenting.
When he makes a mistake, which happens often, I don’t always have the best response. But, usually after I’ve gathered myself, I go to him, love on him, and tell him it’s going to be ok. Yes, there are consequences, but they are fair, and within the realm of reason for a 16 year. And {again, once I’ve gathered myself, ha} I will fight for him. I’ve gone toe to toe with so many teachers over the years, explaining his special ADHD accommodations. I’ve gladly sat in the cold freezing hail and rain during lacrosse games and cheered him on. I remained calm - or tried to remain calm- when he has teenage angst. I’ve seen through it all, definitely not without mishaps on my end, but I don’t give up.
It takes great strength and mental fortitude to to be a loving parent. It’s hard and sometimes you have to grit your teeth and do the right thing anyway. Even when you’d rather just sit and avoid. It’s very, very difficult to be a good parent who leads with love. And I have failed miserably at it many, many times. But I keep getting back up, and I keep trying.
I will never, ever stop loving this kid. No matter what. I will never, ever quit on him.
Ok yeah, yeah Amy, why are you telling me this? Well, here’s why:
Someday, there will be a woman he chooses to spend the rest of his life with, and I hope and pray she extends to him the same love, the same grace, the same care as I have done all of his life before I hand him over to her.
But that is not what I did with Brandon. I did not treat him like my most precious possession. Brandon often got scraps from me in the love department. Most definitely in the grace department.
Listen. If we look for good, we will find good. If we look for bad, that’s what we will see. And granted, sometimes the bad is so glaring it’s hard to overlook. BUT….there is always good. And good and bad, they can come together and create something beautiful if we let it. Most excellent harmonies. A song worth singing and living because everything works together for good.
These next two posts in this series are really, really hard for me to write.
It’s truth about my life that I don’t want to confess, or tell or even remember. I think the hardest thing to swallow is, if I had loved Brandon like God loved him - with a pure godly love- would we still be here today?
Hindsight, as always, is 20/20. And I am fully aware it takes two. Please don’t mistake my ownership for thinking I had the power to control Brandon. I cannot change or control him. And obviously we are not perfect, no one is perfect. We are not God and we are all going to mess up. But again, I certainly could have helped things with my behaviors if I had just switched up my perspective a bit.
Friend, if you are out there, and you relate to my story in any way, please, please hear me. We have got to change the way we think. I’m not telling you to be motherly to your husband because that’s just silly and unhelpful. A man should be able to take care of himself. You are not his mother and you never should be - being a mother to your husband is a colossal disaster. He already has one mother and he definitely doesn’t need a second one.
But I am suggesting that you to see your husband as God, your husband’s loving Father, sees him. And when he messes up, or he says something stupid, or forgets to do something… remember my little boy. Or your little boy, if you have one. And remember how God is treating your husband in those moments. Instead of shunning, shaming, or blaming him… God is lovingly telling your husband that it’s ok. At times He’s probably gritting His teeth and thinking all the crazy, stupid thoughts… but He still tells your husband: “You’ve got this. Be strong and courageous and stand back up and keep going”. God is cheering him on from the sidelines, standing by, waiting to see how He can help. Just like a loving parent.
And if God is doing that for your husband, shouldn’t you be doing that too??
I just keep thinking about when I hand Jacob over to his wife, will she do her best to see him as God sees him? Will she see beauty or will she see ugliness? Will she stick in there with him? Will she fight for him? Will she love him and treat him like her most precious possession?
Look for the beautiful my friends. I wish had before, so I’m trying to do that now. When I tell you these next pieces of my story, I am doing all I can to see beauty woven somewhere into this. It’s hard, but I am choosing to see love, grace, and truth, not the ugly and the cursed. It feels like my life is sinking, but glory is here too. I’ve seen it. I feel it. And I hope you do too.
If we are consumed with highlighting where our spouses are falling short, we will miss the divine mysteries of marriage and the lessons it has to teach us.
-Gary Thomas
Now on to part 3.