But... I Don't Want To Do That, God.

Monday Musings about arguing with God

So, I argue with God. Sorry to be honest, but I do.

I don’t mean to do it. But it just happens.

See, God talks to me {and probably you too, if you pay attention} by something I like to call “The Squeeze”. What I mean by that is, you get squeezed emotionally really, really tight about something. Most recently for me, it was about a financial situation. I felt such a huge financial stress and I was really worried about it. I kept thinking that I needed to do this one particular thing to fix it, but I didn’t want to.

But it wouldn’t go away.

It’s been like this for days, if I’m be honest. Maybe weeks now. I’ve been feeling so anxious and worried and I keep brining up what I need to do, but I don’t want to do it.

I DON’T WANT TO.

What I need to do is going to make things uncomfortable and that just feels too frustrating for someone who feels she’s lived in uncomfortable for the last few years.

“God. What are you asking me to do?”

…would come out of my mouth daily. Like I didn’t even hear Him yesterday, or the day before. I know what He wants me to do. I just don’t want to.

Today it all came to a head. “The Squeeze” of life had become unbearable. And with it came the shame. I know what I needed to do. I knew it.

BUT I DON’T WANT TO.

Several hard conversations with some of my dear friends and my mom later… and it was settled. I was going to do the thing. I still didn’t want to. In fact, I cried. And felt lost for a minute.

But then something kinda amazing happened.