Did I See Any Red Flags?

Questions I'm often asked about my divorce....

This post has been ruminating in my mind for a long, long time. I’ve been praying about how to relay my thoughts in an open and honest way, and with this weighing on my mind, this post has taken me about a week to write. As I continue to publish content for the paid subscribers, I want to make sure I include the helpful lessons I’m learning as God’s glory is revealed in my life, especially in regards to my marriage and financial demise. Many of you have been here since the beginning and are invested in me and my family. To share truthfully about the successes, and sometimes the frustrations, I am having in my healing is hopefully helpful.

This is a hard write. It’s me looking backwards and being honest with myself. It’s very important to me that my heart is translated correctly…I still very much believe in marriage. And I believe in fighting for your marriage. I believe in trying to do everything possible to avoid divorce, as it has been one of the worst things to happen to my family.

As you read this, I hope you prayerfully consider your marriage and put it first, always. Do everything you can to make it work. Whether there were/are red flags, continue to surrender yourself and change yourself. People can change. I have seen it happen, and I am living proof. But, if your marriage does fail, bettering yourself is healthiest thing you can do for all involved.

Finally, I hope and pray that as you learn from my mistakes, you see that I am only standing because of the goodness of God. Everything I do now, and in the days to come, are because He radically saved me from myself, and He continues to help me change and become the person I was supposed to always be. If you are struggling to find yourself, I want to encourage you to find yourself in Him. He really is the only way.

My whole life for Your glory my whole world for You only
Everything for the honor of your Name
If my days tell a story let it be of You only
Everything for the honor of Your Name

-Center, Bethel Music

It’s interesting…

Once you get divorced you have all these people come out of the woodwork and share their doubts with you about their own marriage. Or, if they don’t share their doubts, they will ask a lot of questions. The most common one I am asked is if I saw it coming…did I see any red flags? How did this happen?

I get it. I felt the same once upon a time.

When a couple whose marriage was, in my mind, “super solid”, would suddenly file for divorce, it would shake me. It cast so much doubt on my relationship and I would feel such an overwhelming sadness. I usually would ask, “why did they quit”? I asked that, because if truth be told, I felt like quitting. A lot. My marriage was hard. And seeing people quit made me question if I needed to do the same. So I get people’s fascination with my divorce, especially if their marriage is difficult.

At first, when people asked me if I saw red flags early on in our dating, I would tell them no! I never saw any! But, with some time removed, I have realized that’s not the truth.

Yes, I saw red flags.

Sadly, I didn’t realize they were red flags until recently. I think the ability to see red flags only comes if you yourself are healthy, which I can now say with confidence that I was not. Marriage, and I guess really love in general, was confusing to me. Blame it on my family of origin, or me being a slow learner, or that I somehow just missed it all; but what I thought love was, and what I know it to be today, are not the same.

I was not healthy or secure.

I’ve said it before and I will continue to say it, there is no point in blaming others. It’s useless, so in these posts, I will always do my best to focus on me, not my ex husband because now that we are divorced, it’s not about him anymore. It’s about me. And honestly…it’s always been about me…and my ability to see the red flags.

So…what if you can’t see the red flags?

That’s the real question people should be asking in their marriage. Not if you can see them, but what if you can’t. See, if you are healthy, and you understand what real love is, you can spot unhealthy, chaotic and insecure attachment styles a mile away.

But that’s only if you are secure and healthy.

If you aren’t secure in your attachment style, or healthy, then unfortunately chaos will attract to chaos. And you will think toxic and abusive is, sadly, normal. I know I did.

Side note: this is a great book to read on attachment styles if you don’t know anything about the subject.

Have you ever seen The Family Stone?

It’s probably one of my favorite Christmas movies, right behind It’s a Wonderful Life, White Christmas and Miracle on 34th Street. The premise behind the film is a large family’s acceptance of the oldest son’s girlfriend, named Meredith. Meredith, played by Sarah Jessica Parker, is a New York executive, with a very staunch and uptight personality and wardrobe {this cast is incredible and plays their roles so perfectly!}. The Stone family, however, is creative, carefree, a little chaotic, but secure in their love for each other, full of acceptance and working hard to simply enjoy each other. Everett, the oldest son, brings Meredith home for Christmas and the family is surprised by Meredith and her ways. At one point when Mr. Stone, played by Craig T. Nelson, is discussing Meredith with Mrs. Stone, played by Diane Keaton, he says one of the most powerful lines…

“She doesn’t seem to know or trust herself very well. Which means, I’m afraid, that our Everett may not know himself at all.”

-Kelly Stone, The Family Stone

Why does this line matter?

I’ll admit, I’ve been watching this movie for years and it wasn’t until I got healthy in my attachment did I really, truly get the meaning about this movie. But here it is.. are you ready for it? Write it down, highlight it, do whatever you gotta do to remember this:

If you don’t know who you really are,
then you can never attract a partner who really knows who THEY are.

Read that as many times that you need to and let it sink in.

This is about you. Not them.

The game now, is not to point your finger at your spouse, but to look deeply at yourself. If your spouse is chaotic and lacks security in their identity, then simple laws of “like attract like” will confirm that you likely lack security to.

So what are you going to do about it?

When women talk to me about their marriages, I do my best to come from a position other than blame. Blame doesn’t work. I’ve seen it. Because some of this demise, whether I like to admit it or not, was on me. Which means, I have a part of me that needs to change. My marriage relationship was chaotic, but that doesn’t mean I have to be chaotic for the rest of my life. You can change your attachment style. And you know what’s amazing about that? So can your spouse. In fact, science shows us that the more secure you become, the less insecure your partner will become. Which means… if you start changing, it’s just a matter of time before your partner may start to change too.

“Attachment isn’t fixed. Through practice we can create a (more) secure attachment with Self and others.”

-Dr. Nicole LePera, Instagram Post

But sometimes, it’s too late.

This is the hard part. People have limits. They have a certain amount of bandwidth and not everyone has the stamina to finish to the end. So sometimes, one person in the relationship quits. And it becomes too late to fix it.

Or perhaps you are simply a “bad match” to begin with.

This is where it gets tricky for me. Nobody ever wants to admit that maybe they were a bad match. I go back and forth on this where my marriage was concerned. Did we just come to the end of the road because it was too late for us? Was it that we just quit? Or was it that this person was just all wrong for me - and me for him- from the beginning? Truthfully, I think it was both. I think I chose a relationship that was going to be uphill from the beginning and, I think there was a point of no return and quitting was involved.

BUT… here’s the thing. I did see a red flag, which unfortunately points to a bad match. And I remember that red flag like it was yesterday, because it honestly haunted me all of our marriage….