Finding The Truth of Me
Kicking off 2025
Is it writer’s block?
As the end of 2024 came and went and 2025 is already one month in, I’ve been frozen in place. It’s been hard to do much like write, or podcast, or even help at my local church. Perhaps it’s finishing my divorce that paralyzed me. The emotional intensity behind finalizing a 20 year union is truly exhausting. {Spoiler alert: I don’t recommend divorce. Ever.} Or perhaps it’s perimenopause? My hormones are all over the place…maybe that’s the reason for my apathetic state. Or teenagers. I suppose, if you have teenagers, you know that’s all I have to say. Teenagers. Whew.
Why am I struggling to write? Or really do much at all?
If someone were to ask me what my true heart’s desire would be for my career and for the rest of my working days, it would be to write, encourage, problem solve and build. Seems simple enough. At least I have that much down, because I certainly don’t have much else...
Starting over is hard. Rebuilding is hard.
“O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways.” Psalm 139: 1-3
I watched hundreds of friends rebuild after the 2017 Tubbs/Nuns fire that ravaged Sonoma County. There were days where they felt on top of the world, and that they knew exactly how to move forward. And then there other days where they took many steps backwards and never thought they were actually to be able to start over. Seven years later and most of them have new homes, new lives, and the fire, though never a small “blip” on their radar- more like a giant cataclysmic event- is over and their new lives have begun…whether they liked it or not. They did start over. And their rebuilding, regardless of how hard it has been, is mostly completed.
So that’s encouraging.
My point - I know that rebuilding and starting over takes time. And sometimes it’s two steps forward one step back type of thing. Yet, if I’m to be honest, starting over from a divorce and a big financial failure often feels debilitating, mostly because unlike a natural disaster that suddenly impales you… you had a hand in your demise.
“You had a hand…” Yikes.
“You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.” Psalm 139: 5-6m 139: 7-10
While I acknowledge the part I played in my undoing, the truth is God allows all things. His hand guides me. And even though I set things in motion with my choices and behaviors, He allowed it all and is certainly supporting the road to find me. This searching and rebuilding is truly a tearing down of who I am deep inside and a complete starting over from the ground up. It’s a character reinstatement. A questioning of your morals, your ideals, your goals and your dreams. It’s not just a rebuilding of your life, but it’s a rebuilding of who you are.
Maybe that’s why it’s been hard to write.
I struggle with the idea that my writings are repetitive… just me and my divorce and my failures oozing out. Constantly. Don’t I have anything else to talk about? Well… sure I do. My kids. Because raising teenagers is the hardest job I’ve ever done. But guess what? They are teenagers… and their lives are their’s not mine…even though I am basically in it 24-7… as a parent you selfishly give up your spotlight and shine it on them. And it’s theirs. And private.
So that leaves the subject of me.
And this me…every day laying myself down and trying so hard to understand who I am. What was my part in my undoing? What can I do to make myself a better person? How can I improve? And most importantly…
Who do I want to be?
“When you get your,'Who am I?', question right, all of your,'What should I do?' questions tend to take care of themselves”
― Richard Rohr, Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life
After losing my business I was left with very little means of income. God, in His graciousness, continued to provide fractional positions to help cover my financial needs. I don’t know how He did it because in my frozen and broken state, I didn’t advertise or seek them out. They were just always there, like manna from Heaven. There were many moments when I had no idea how I was going to make it and it always worked out. One thing I know for certain…
God is a provider. And He will provide. Always.
“Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me.” Psalm 139: 7-10
My journey over the last three years has been to know who I am so I know what I should be doing. And that process has been an internal breaking from the inside out. God started by taking my marriage and my business, and really anything else that I made an idol of in my life. It all got crushed to bits and pieces. And He continues to mold me and shape me. Lately He has really been dealing with my parenting. Am I a good parent? And how has my selfish and reckless behavior over the years affected my kids? {Side note: my therapist has introduced me to the concept of The Devouring Mother. Personally, I think every mother should read up on this and make sure you are not any of these things}. It’s been fascinating. And gut wrenching. All of this undoing is allowing for rebirth not just in me, or in my career, but in my mothering as well… and finding all this truth has made me extremely grateful for all the undoing.
Losing myself has truly been the best thing that ever happened to me.
“If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.” Psalm 139: 11-12
In just three and a half short months I will be forty nine years old! Almost a half a century. And I can’t believe that I am just now discovering myself. It’s 2025… a beautiful new year where I am starting to fully embrace who I am, and learning what I am not. After all this time wasted on trying to be fast paced entrepreneur who worked eighty hours a week…I am now realizing that’s not really me. Yes, I want to continue being an entrepreneur, but I want to do it on different terms. Money is less important to me now; not because I have a ton of it, because I don’t. But because I’ve tasted what a slower pace of life does for your psyche and I like it. Actually, I don’t just like it, I love it. I still really enjoy problem solving, but supporting and encouraging others is becoming more vital to the health of soul. Prioritizing rest and play and family and healthy living has been game changer for me. Adjusting my spending so I am able to take opportunities that are more exciting to me rather than making decisions on only whether they are financially lucrative or not has been such a beautiful new way to operate. Slowing down after dinner instead of ramping up has enabled me to sleep better and feel stronger. Reimagining myself at almost fifty has been honestly beautiful.
So why the inability to write? To podcast?
“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” Psalm 139: 13-16
I guess, and this might be hard to confess…. I’m not sure I have much to say that anyone would want to hear. Maybe I’m embarrassed about the undoing and the constant pivoting and trial and error I’ve had to partake of to find myself. Maybe I’m ashamed of some of the things I’m uncovering - how the parts of me that I held such pride in were actually the darkest parts of me. Maybe I’m scared of showing my joy in the slowness… maybe that joy means I’m not as hard of a worker as I once thought I was.
Or maybe, just maybe… you’ll see I’m human.
The beautiful thing is we are all human. But we don’t always see that, do we? With the highlight reels we consume on the daily, we tend to think that everyone else around us has it all figured out. But no! We all struggle. We all have insecurities and blind spots and ridiculous issues that we are attempting to resolve. We are all struggling. The question is, are we all showing up? Are we doing the work? Are we pressing in and asking the right questions? Are we quitting before we should or are we persevering so we can get to the bottom of ourselves? Do we playing the victim or are we taking accountability?
“How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you.”
Psalm 139: 17-18
Finding me has been one of the greatest experiences of my life…
And while sometimes I am overcome with the gravitas of it all, and I disappear into my thoughts, I am still so utterly grateful I’ve had this experience handed to me. Finding yourself is just that… going on a journey to figure out where you are, or perhaps, where you went. It’s painful and it’s scary, but it’s freeing and purifying. There have been some very dark roads but those roads have led me to some beautiful valleys where I have had personal and deep revelations about myself.
God doesn’t waste anything - even tragedy.
And I’m grateful for that. So, I’m not sure who is still here and reading and following, and I’m truly not sure if what I have to say is embarrassing, or exhausting or repetitive… but I do know this: if you are searching, and if you are watching me, I hope you see what God has done. And if you don’t, I hope you wait around for it and it becomes apparent because if you can see what God has done in me…I’m pretty sure you’ll start to see what He is doing in YOU. He’s faithful like that.
Don’t hate the journey friends.
I’m saying this to me too. Don’t be embarrassed by what you are not… that have not is what leads to the the path of truth. And the path of truth is what will eventually set you free.
Hugs to you and thanks for being here!
“Before the truth sets you free, it tends to make you miserable.”
― Richard Rohr, Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life
Dear Readers,
Thank you being here and continuing to show up to share my journey and story. I am so grateful for you. If you are a current paid supporter THANK YOU! Your monthly or yearly subscription goes to support my family on our journey to health and wholeness. It also allows me to continue to write and podcast and share God’s glory revealed stories. If you not a supporter, thank you as well for subscribing and showing up for my free posts. However your support is shown here, I am grateful for you!!
So much love, Amy