The Evy's Tree Story: The End
What it's like on the other side...
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“Sometimes you need to lose yourself a few times before you find yourself.”
-unknown
For the past fourteen years, I have spent the day after Christmas thinking about hoodies. And how I would sell those hoodies. I was either having a Day After Christmas sale, or thinking about the end of the year numbers. I’ve never just lounged around in my pajamas eating leftovers and wondering what I should be doing.
But today it is almost 1 PM and I’ve done nothing but drink coffee and eat Christmas cookies. And it feels weird.
I almost feel directionless. I’m not sure how I feel about it. Well, maybe that’s not true. I know how I feel about it. THANKFUL. If I am to be honest, I am thankful I do not have to think about hoodies, or how to sell them, or anything else as far as sales are concerned. I’m grateful I’m not checking the Shopify app wondering what our sales are and if we will make our end of the year numbers. More honesty: I’ve only gone shopping for clothes maybe three times over the past year, twice to buy new jeans thanks to weight loss, and once to find coordinating clothing for our annual Christmas picture.
So I guess I don’t care about clothes anymore, either.
Do you know how odd that is for me? I spent most of my free time in the last fourteen years wandering the mall eyeing trends and colors, trying clothes on to examine fit, buying new things and testing how I felt in them. Evy’s Tree had a Research and Development line item in its budget and I maxed it out monthly without fail. Yet today, and really for the past twelve months, I’ve worn pretty much the same thing over and over.
And I am utterly ok with it.
If there is one thing I have learned on this journey is you can look like you have it all on the outside, but you can be dark, empty and alone inside. I suppose that clothes can cover that up for the common observer, but not for the individual. You will always know what really lies inside, even if you pretend you don’t. Fooling yourself is the worst kind of lie, because it’s accepting the lie you created, making yourself feel bound by believing those lies because if you don’t then you shake the entire being of who you are deep down inside. But time has a way of uncovering them and letting you see yourself. Your true self.
Back to Evy’s Tree….
So here I am on the other side of “The End” of Evy’s Tree. I lost the business that covered up so much wrong in my life. And to be honest, maybe that’s what needed to happen. Maybe - or definitely- that band-aid I put over myself needed to be ripped off so I could examine deep down inside of me who I really was. I am still uncovering the “real” me, but I am learning that it doesn’t involve a lot of the things I thought it did. The real me is a whole lot more calm and centered and craving personal connection over the frenzied hurry up and get ahead and make as much money as we can me that existed while Evy’s Tree was alive.
I don’t know what is ahead for this Amy on the other side of Evy’s Tree. Sometimes that’s scary. That’s what I mean when I say “directionless”. I am not really in a place where I can do much planning. I am still picking myself up financially; juggling that with raising two kids on my own is really overwhelming sometimes. I decided in therapy that I had to choose what I wanted to focus on and right now it’s my kids, not getting ahead. Making sure they are healthy and safe and cared for is the most important thing I can do right now. The idea that I am doing enough for right now is so foreign to me. My lawyer likes to remind me that coming out of my valley can take time and it’s a gradual climb upwards, and doesn’t happen overnight. He keeps telling me that I am doing what I need to do, but fighting the feeling of needing to do more is hard. Yet, I remind myself, that’s why I got myself into this mess….and really that’s why Evy’s Tree even started…because I refused to slow down and enjoy the moment.
So the other side of Evy’s Tree looks a whole lot like giving up control and embracing the “what is”.
And I really, really like it here. I still fight anxiety, but it’s different. No more feverish working, staying up all night working on spreadsheets and pushing a team to hit numbers. Instead, it’s discipline, both mentally and physically, living within the budget {equally financial, emotional and physical} I have been given, and finding joy and gratitude in the right now. The what is. Instead of taking giant leaps to get to the finish line, I am taking small, sometimes painful steps, that don’t seem to get me far at all. But the reality is I am moving forward. Just doing so really, really slowly. Sometimes I think God has me here as some sort of strange exercise. Forcing me to stay in this spot until this headspace becomes so natural to me, then I can focus on the future once I’ve trained myself to not rush ahead. Maybe. Who knows.
Either way, the end of Evy’s Tree has meant the beginning for me, and for that I am grateful.
“There is far more to your life than … your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.
…All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.
If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.
Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.”
-Matthew 6:25-34
As always, thank you for your love and support, I’m so glad you are here. If you feel these posts would help someone else going through something similar, please feel free to share them with your friends…
Let’s talk! If you would like to discuss anything I’m talking about, or you simply have a thought, feel free to pop it into the comments! I’ll be monitoring them and will respond when I can. Hugs friends, and as always, I’m praying for everyone who reads this. xo
Thank you for once again sharing your heart and letting those of us not there yet, know there is another side and it is good. ( Humm I think that maybe what is called a run on sentence).