The Long Way
On wandering, finding yourself and next steps
“Not all those who wander are lost.” J.R.R. Tolkien
The last two months have been season of… I’m not even sure, to be honest. I keep trying to define my feelings lately and I can’t. For a while, the word I was using to explain how I was feeling was wrestling, yet even that never really sounded right. But it’s close. I’ve felt many things: hopeless, sad, worried, numbness, fright, joy, happiness, faith, and peace.
Wandering….Yes, I’ve felt like I’m wandering.
I’ve been obsessed lately with the Exodus of the Israelites. It seems to be a theme for me, and I’m not entirely sure why. I find myself in the book of Exodus more than any other book, and the pages of my Bible are covered with dates and notes and thoughts.
The Israelites wandered. A lot.
No news flash about the wandering, of course, but I think if you're someone like me, who finds herself starting over in her late 40’s, you are intrigued by their process. It’s deep and beautiful, this exodus and wandering of God’s chosen people. They are full of faith one day and the downtrodden the next. Today they are overjoyed with the miracles and then tomorrow they are frustrated they don’t see more. While the Israelite’s responses to their life circumstances often leave me wanting to pull my hair out and moan, “Are you serious? Again? Come on guys!”, my soul wants to hug them. Because they, in a very dramatized way, are me. And they are you. And they are all of us.
Their story gives me hope.
While their reactions are often eye roll worthy, God’s reaction to them is jaw dropping. He keeps showing up. And just that alone is pretty awesome. It is the ultimate example of love. The thing I noticed, besides God’s continued love and protection {and dare I say, grace?} is that He had a plan. Even when the Israelites unknowingly do their darnedest to derail that plan, God keeps showing up. He keeps the plan moving. He seems to somehow counter their missteps with another path to keep them on the road towards His plan for their future.
A plan for the future.
On my walk today I did what I always do. I leashed up Oliver, grabbed my airpods and turned on my audible, and I started walking down my driveway and towards our neighborhood walking path. It is a beautiful, somewhat chilly, but otherwise sunny day. Oliver is thrilled to be out and I’m thrilled be clearing my mind.
It’s been a complicated couple months.