Why Glory Revealed Musings?
The meaning behind the name of this publication
Do you ever feel like who you really are is hidden behind all the things you think you are supposed to be?
I know the last handful of years, I did. I had completely lost who I was. I was unhappy. I was scared. I was stressed. I was so very anxious. I rarely felt peace.
I would wake up many days in the middle of the night begging God to help me.
My anxiety was so bad that I would sit straight up from a deep sleep yelling “JESUS HELP ME!”. This happened almost every night. I know that sounds nuts, but if you have ever found yourself so deep in desperation, I’d bet you have done something similar. When your heart and your mind and your body is so worn down trying to keep up, you simply do not have the resources to see much other than what is right in front of your face. It’s like wearing sunglasses in a dark room. And that’s scary.
I think I spent much of the last ten years with dark glasses on, feeling my way around.
I had lost my faith so many years before that. Once upon a time, my faith in Jesus was so deep. But then things happened. I became discouraged with our financial place in life and like a little child I grabbed the steering wheel and told God, “I don’t think you know what you’re doing. I don’t like the way things are going, so I’m going to do it myself.”
I mean. I’m not sure I consciously said that. But that’s what my actions portrayed.
But here’s the thing, the more you control, the more God stands back and lets you try to do it all. He’s kind like that. Like the sweetest parent. He doesn’t pull you back, but he opens his arms and says, “go for it”. Because like a good parent, he knows that sometimes you will never really know how good you have it until you try to do it yourself. He will never force us to do anything, but he will always be waiting, arms wide open for us to limp home to when we figure out how far we’ve gotten.
It’s not lost on me that I became a prodigal son. And in my prideful state, I really thought I was a beloved child.
“Look at this big business God blessed me with”
{that I was living as a slave to}.
“Look at all the things God’s given me”
{that I really couldn’t afford because my financial priorities were not correct}.
“Look at my beautiful family”
{that was falling apart at the seams and I didn’t even know it}
Dark glasses, indeed.
Don’t get me wrong, I know God loved me. I was beloved. But …I loved to claim the blessings even though I certainly wasn’t deeply committed. Slowly, my values I held high before all this started dropped, and I became unhappier than I’d ever been. Life became darker and chaotic. I became scared and anxious. I drifted farther and farther away.
Eventually, my life had become such a mess that I truly didn’t know which way was up. When I say everything was a mess, I mean everything. My business, my marriage, friendships and close relationships, finances…everything. My world had become very dark. My priorities had become very skewed.
I was lost.
All of this increased my suffering.
I mean, am I surprised? No. When you live for yourself, it’s a lonely road. When your faith is only in yourself, and not in Someone bigger than you, you become too weak to carry the load. It’s not a surprise.
But thankfully, God saw my heart. I don’t know how He held in there with me, but He determined I wasn’t too prideful to leave and by His grace He let it all fall apart…..
Amy, how can you say “by His grace”?
Please hear me, I beg of you. Hear me well: the best thing that ever happened to me was losing everything.
Yes, when my marriage started to fall apart, and then my business became unsalvageable, and then I saw my kids lives spiral, I was numb. And so scared. And I was angry and sad, so deeply sad. I was so frustrated. I was confused. And it was dark. Maybe even darker than it was when I was wearing those sunglasses all the time. It seemed I had hit an end. It really did. For many, many months I drank a half a bottle of wine every night, read every romance novel I owned, and avoided everything that what was happening. I was in so much pain, my brain literally could not think.
But then, in March 2022, His knock became loud enough and I decided to go to back to church.
I hadn’t been to church since the pandemic, and even before that I wasn’t a regular. It had been a long, long time since I was deeply committed. But that little step lit a small flame that started to light my world. Don’t get me wrong, things were still extremely dark. But instead of sitting in the dark room not knowing what to do, I took one step towards the light that was cracking through the corner. And it was the best step I could have ever taken. For one whole year, I took small baby steps while my world continued to crumble around me. I vow to myself to show up to church every Sunday, rain or shine. I sat in the pew and cried like a baby every.single.service. I began to write out my prayers daily in my journal, finally amassing eight thick spiral journals full of prayers. I was consistent with my plea for help. I saw it as my only hope.
“Lord, I will do anything, please show me what to do.”
And He did. He certainly did. Don’t get me wrong - my life didn’t stop falling apart. In fact, it almost got worse, but I found that even in the chaos around me, I could stand on his solid rock of faith and I would be ok. It took me a total of a year to figure that out. In October 2022, I decided to dive fully in. I started to surrender to Jesus and I made commitments and changes knowing I could not survive if I didn’t. Finally, in April 2023, after many months of intense seeking and hard work, I saw myself again.
One whole year later… I woke up.
My smile became alive. My spirit started to shine. I began to sleep soundly, like a baby being rocked, every single night….even though I knew I was losing everything. I knew I was going to be ok. The storm was circling around me, but I was safe. I knew God would take care of me.
I found His glory.
“But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.” I Peter 4:13
Because here’s the thing guys. We are not promised to live in a perfect world. Christ suffered. We are going to suffer. We just are. There is absolutely nothing we can do about it. Nothing. But if we understand that suffering aligns us with Christ and forces us to have faith in the One who has the entire world in His hands, we can begin to stop putting so much faith in ourselves and trust that whatever is happening around us is meant to be and that we will be ok. And in that moment when you realize you are powerless, something pretty amazing happens to you…You begin to see the beauty in every single moment of your messed up life.
Psychology calls it acceptance. I call it glory.
You see the smiles instead of the tears. You see the sun instead of the rain. You realize that all the bad that comes is really just another lesson to remind you that we live in chaos, but you do not have to be chaotic. You can trust Someone who is bigger and more powerful than anything out there.
And you will be ok. You really will be. Glory revealed through suffering.
That storm that is causing you to freak out and make you think you’re going to drown??
It’s powerless again your faith. It might take you down for a while, yes. But it’s can’t take your spirit. It can’t make you loose trust. And you will get back up. Sure, you might waver, but once you’ve suffered and you see the light instead of the darkness, you begin to understand that suffering will always lead to glory if you let it.
Good can come out of bad. It really can. If you are open enough to receive it.
So, that’s what’s behind the name… Glory Revealed Musings. A place where I am going to talk about the glory that has come to me from the deeply horrible suffering I have endured over the last two years. I’m sure you are wondering: am I on the other side and finished my suffering? The answer is no. Not even close. There are still some things that I know are coming that are going to be painful. They are going to hurt. I can’t stop all the consequences from my selfish behavior. But I can, with joy in my eyes, accept the discipline and know that I am becoming a better, healthier version of myself.
And that acceptance brings love, light… and glory. Glory Revealed.