Broken Dreams and Beautiful Harmonies, Part 2
A discussion on the downfall of my marriage
This is a continuation of Broken Dreams and Beautiful Harmonies, Part 1.
To grow in humility is to pull sin up by the roots.
-Gary Thomas
The only way God’s glory is going to be revealed in my family is if the truth is told with deep humility.
I have written and rewritten my story maybe a hundred times over the last few weeks. I still very much get lost in the weeds sometimes. I’m desperately trying to see the thread that weaves through this story. And all I keep getting is that I am strong willed, impatient, determined and insist on my own way often. I lacked humility and I lacked surrender. I have so many blind spots. I would rush ahead and I would run people over. Remember me talking about taking over the wheel? That’s my sin.
We must, as humans, abide in the vine and allow ourselves to be HIS branches.
So here’s the thing. I realize I have a lot of people who follow me who are not Christians. But that’s ok! It really doesn’t matter what you believe to read my story because regardless of your spiritual beliefs there comes a point in all our lives where we need to submit to someone/something bigger than we are. We all need a moral compass; something that keeps us pointed in the right direction. I chose Jesus to be mine a long, long time ago. Not religion, but Jesus. Sometimes that can get confusing. They are not the same.
Here’s the thing about moral compasses… they are hard to follow, they get tedious at times, and they can sometimes be exhausting. But when you make a value system for yourself, it’s important to stick to it, otherwise it changes the trajectory of your life.
Brandon and I lost our value system a long time ago.
We got sidetracked. For a while we got lost in religion, and in our effort to find Jesus again we swung too far. I personally got sucked into financial gain and success, powerful strong woman identity, and lack of humility. I lost sight of my values and became obsessed with getting ahead and providing for my family. By doing that I lost everything. Everything. My definition of strength has proved to be a curse. It tricked me. It chewed me up and spit me out.
I used to think that being a strong woman in business meant being a powerhouse.
I used to think that being the most powerful person in the room was part of this powerhouse entrepreneurial strong woman identity.
I have come to realize that that kind of power is actually a facade.
Power without humility is a charade. This rings true both in business and especially in personal relationships.
If I had prioritized humility over power, things would be much different today.
In marriage, in business, in life: humility is strength.
There is no way around the truth. There just isn’t. And the truth is as a family we stopped abiding in Him a long, long time ago. I stopped honoring the values I chose. I threw them away because they seemed old fashioned, too hard, silly, not worldly enough for my new powerful lifestyle. So now I am here, and this is my consequence. God saw that my vine was barren and that I needed some good pruning. He took off the parts of me that were unhelpful. And that pruning was painful. It hurt. I lost a lot.
But that hard pruning reminded me that I must get back to my values and moral compass if I wanted to bloom.
And you must too. If you are reading this and you can relate to me, let me tell you something deep from the wells of brokenness… RUN BACK. Don’t keep insisting on your own way. In humility turn yourself around and own your mistakes, align yourself back up with the morals you chose for yourself years and years ago and keep going. Abide in the vine. If your vine is Jesus, I can tell you from experience that connecting yourself back to that vine - that moral compass and those values- it will change everything. Everything. I will tell you more about that later, but almost two years out from me surrendering and my life is drastically different. I am nothing without the connection with Him. Grafted into his vine my life is peaceful, calm, beautiful… even in my deep pain I have peace. And that can happen to you too.
“Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit,
for apart from me you can do nothing.”
“If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples.”
John 15: 1-8
Now let’s dive into to Part 2 of my story…